I don’t think I’ve ever responded to an email so quickly as when the lovely Janette emailed me, asking if I’d like to do a bit of toy-testing with the Satisfyer Pro Penguin. Now, this post might get a little bit graphic, but #ITalkSex because we need to acknowledge that, like any other form of good fun, it can make amusing noises and get more than a little bit messy.

I am an experienced ‘shagger’ and ‘wanker’, and I honestly thought I’d tried it all, but the Satisfyer Pro Penguin showed me something new. “This toy sucks”, announced the accompanying card, and that it does. The design incorporates clitoral suction with highly targeted vibrations, meaning that it’s all about the clit. It is the polar opposite of my then-usual bedtime wanking friend, a mains-powered fuckwand, which throws powerful vibrations all over the general vicinity of my vulva.

It’s an incredible sensation, having something so completely and utterly all about your clit, and a sensation I hadn’t realised I was missing out on all my life. No other toy I have ever tried has been quite so good at this, and no human mouth, either. Not a joule of energy goes anywhere but the clit, which for me is just fabulous–although if you find direct clitoral stimulation a bit much, then this is definitely not a toy for you.

In general, I found the Penguin very much in keeping with my lifestyle: and our material circumstances are something we don’t talk about often enough when it comes to sex. Like many other millennials, I don’t have much money. This means I live in a situation with very thin walls. The Penguin, thank god, is quiet enough for me to not flag up when I’m flicking my bean. It’s also USB-chargeable, meaning I don’t need to fork out for batteries or a plug.

It’s also good for a dyspraxic like me who struggles over the controls of the toy. There are certain trends in vibrator design which I find utterly unusable, most egregiously, when the same button cycles from increased level of vibrations to pulse setting. I like a toy to be simple to use, with one button to increase intensity, and if the toy has to have pulse, put that somewhere far, far away. I’m having a wank, I like things to be easy to use. The Penguin is great for this. One button to turn it up, one to turn it down, and no pulse whatsoever.

I’d recommend it to anyone like me, with a couple of caveats. Firstly, you’ll need to know your body. The precision of the suction cup and vibrations mean that you need to be sure of exactly where your clitoris is. Hopefully, you already know this. If you don’t, now’s the time to cop a good feel, and maybe take out a mirror to have a look at it. Secondly, you’ll need a bit of a sense of humour. If queefing is the sort of thing which makes you want to die of shame, then the Satisfyer Pro Penguin probably isn’t your cup of tea. While it doesn’t make your vagina fart, the suction means that sometimes the toy and your vulva will let out a loud, comical “paaarp”. It’s most likely to happen when you shift position sharply–like when you’re in the throes of orgasm.

My final caveat is that I wasn’t that keen on the aesthetic of the toy. It looks like Guillermo del Toro directed Pingu. When it first arrived, I was reticent about trying it. “Oh god,” I thought, “I’m going to have to fuck a faceless penguin.” Luckily, when it is betwixt your thighs, you’re not looking at it. Also, the little bowtie comes off, and it no longer looks anything like a cheery zoo animal with a gaping void where its face should be.

Let me tell you just how much I like this thing: I’ve unplugged my usual vibrator and switched to the Satisfyer Pro Penguin for my regular masturbatory needs. I thought I’d tried everything, but even I found myself still able to be pleasantly surprised.

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Guest Post by Stavvers